The Return on the Pink Haired Guy
by Draqonelle
Summary: You thought that dealing with Dragon Slayers and the Spirits of Dead warriors is bad, wait till this ghost tries to rock Van Fanel's World. Every vice known to man, drug use, extramarital sex, gratuitous distaste PWPs, role playing, drug use, blasephemy.


Warning: I am an evil person

Warning:I am an evil person.There are several vile things I have incorporated in this fic, Roleplaying, Het, yaoi, incest play, bad yaoi doujinshi, bad mary sues, bondage, S&M, adultery, flat out heresy and demeanment of all major world religions that believe in life after death. If it's not in here I would be surprised.

The main soul rending flaws in it are:

Merle/Hitomi/Van/Dornkirk/Dryden/Folken/Allen/Millerna bashing. I have betrayed the spirit of every character, except for the poor Cat Twins (Kitties get all the fun)

It begins with:

HitomiXVan

AllenXMillerna

Yep it's DragonShippy.Do not read unless drunk or high, or you hate everyone in the series.Do not expose to an open flame.Store at 30 degrees centrigrade.

And the most repulsive thing of all:

Pink Haired Guy wanting to get laid.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Oh and Gaddess and Allen pair off in the end… I promise.

The Return of the Pink Haired Guy Part The First

By

Draq

Boy I was Hyper Incorporated

In the Third Year since the Destiny War all was Peaceful in Gaea. In the kingdom of Fanelia, all were happy and carefree.Even Van, the young beleaguered prince had finally come to rest, and his beloved Hitomi of the Mystic Moon had come to visit.

The two young lovers were reunited and rested in peace and comfort, in the peace of the Fanelian castle.They were in the grotto of the ancient giant, Escaflowne, reflected on the last three years.And how much they had learned about each other and their love

"Oh Van Van…"

"Hitomi, baby.Ohhh."

"You naughty boy.Mama tickle you."

Van let out a slight giggle.

"Wow I'm glad we found out Escaflowne has a back seat.We coulda been doing this in episode 12."Hitomi said sticking her head out of the meccha.

"I'll say."Van wings fluttered underneath her. His body out of sight.

Then all of a sudden the little cat girl knocked on the foot of the meccha.

"Merle."

"Van-sama what are you doing in there?"

The King pulled up the school fuku of his royal mistress around his body. Then putting it down realizing what he was wearing and hid again.

"Merle get outta here." Van's voice shouted from inside the meccha.

Hitomi screamed "Merle get out of here! Now or I will kill you."She of course only stuck her head out. 

"Hey what are you two doing up there like that?"

"We're posing for the video covers.Now get out of here."

"I've come here to tell you that everybody has come for your big party. Everybody from Astoria.Dryden, Allen, Millerna-hime.It's going to be a great party."

"Yeah.We'll be there in a few minutes." Van said struggling with something inside of the meccha.

There was a loud smack.

"Ow.Okay Okay.Geesh Hitomi. An hour and forty minutes then."

"We promise."Hitomi stuck her head up again.

"Geesh what am I, Hitomi? A machine?" Van's voice whimpered.

In a manner of moments the squishy noises and passionate giggles returned to the happy vale of Escaflowne.

"Emm." Hitomi hummed

Van giggled.

"Come on Bird Boy.Sing for Mamma."

"Squawkkkkk!"

****

Merle returned to the Astorian delegation. Even Celena Schezar was there.They milled around the Fanelian royal gardens until finally they reach the main fountain, where none of the Party goers could hear them.

Millerna in a stunning dove grey Doullee number stared at her husband and clutched her beloved's hand.

"Oh Dryden, I cannot live like this.Allen is the one I love."

"Oh well.If you don't love me… I hope you two are happy together.I'll just have a really cool exit and leave crying.Then all the chicks will dig me, because I am the man."

Chicks:AWWWWW.He's so cooooool.

"Fine then goodbye Dryden."

"When are you going to marry him?" Dryden asked.

Allen clasped her shoulder joyfully smiling at his sweetest Millerna.

At this Millerna chuckled.

"Marry him? Oh you're joking?"

"Millerna?"

"He's only a knight.But I just wanted to tell you where we stand.Before we-"

Allen dropped his jaw."What?"He looked at his beloved"My knightly honor so demands this cannot be so.I will not be with you until, until I marry you."

"Allen.What are you?We discussed this sweetie.We were going to tell him on Van's Birthday.After Dinner."

"How can I dare sleep with you?You are not my wife.Your life bond is with Dryden."

"Wow. Marlene would be surprised."Dryden crossed his arms.

"Oh.How I have sinned before.But I thought she would be my wife. That is why I will not take in love another woman until she is my legal wife.Thus I swear by my code."

"Allen, you are being silly.I am Queen of Astoria.I can't just run of to a hotel in Vegasino and get married.So I think we should just calm down…"

"You want to ruin my reputation?And yours? I love you Millerna but-"

"Allen.Let's not be prudish about it."

"I shall leave you to think about this.Good day milady."

Allen turned on his heel leaving the princess along to brood and look cute.

***

Hitomi and Van walked from the Glade of Escaflowne.Allen passed them as the Astorians glumly sat and frowned.

"What's wrong with Allen?" Van asked.

"He looks mad." Hitomi said hugging Van.

"He cannot know the trials of royalty.The plight of my station."Millerna cried.

"What did you do Millerna?" Hitomi poked her.

"He won't put out unless Millerna marries him." Dryden said, "Sad really."

"Millerna.You cad you." Van glared at her.

Millerna opened her mouth.

"Oh now I'm the cad?Listen.You are in no place to judge, Mr."Fogging up the Windows of Your Guymelef" Fanel."

"I can't marry Hitomi."

"That's right.I am a space alien."She nodded.

Van shook Hitomi's hand.

Millerna crashed down on the bench.

"Can I help it I'm queen.I can't exactly marry him.It would look bad.I have to consider the feelings of my kingdom.Which is why I come here today."

Van sat down on her fancy schmancy dress."I'm all ears."

"My father wants me to come to Fanelia to be your bride."

The world froze.

Hitomi was seen as a blue and red blur glomping onto Van.

"How dare you try to steal my boyfriend whom I am shacking up with?" Hitomi hissed.

"Aston says we have to get married.Since when?" Van clutched his Hitomi.

"We may have to for the Union of our kingdoms.He's giving me this huge dowry cause I'm a divorcee and he wants to give you all this money to help build Fanelia-"

Van grumbled, "I don't want to marry you."

Millerna crossed her arms "I don't want to marry you either.Oh I do love Allen." She spun around with stars in her eyes,"I want to spend all my years with Allen Schezar.I want to go the Temples of Kalipar.I want to skim the coasts of Pelonia.I want to pick flowers in the Mystic Valley."

"And where will I be? At home taking care of Allen Schezar's babies?"

Millerna tightened her eyes.

"I'm sorry.But I can't marry you.I can't let a divorcee be queen of Fanelia.What would that say about me?I don't believe in divorce." Van dusted of his jacket.

"Van?"Hitomi smacked him. "Stop being a baka."

"Listen, bucko.I am Queen of Astoria."

"No you are Princess of Astoria.I am King of Fanelia.I will not marry you.Good day."

"You'll do what I tell you to or I'll crush you and your kingdom like an insect."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah?

"Oh YEAH?"

"YEAH?"Millerna towered over him.

Van put up his dukes.

"What you want?You wanna dance princess? Fine Put'em up." 

"Bring it on."Millerna put up her fists. "I'll drop you like a bad habit."

Dryden was livid,"Van this is Millerna. You would hit the princess?"

Van and Millerna circled each other.

"No.I'm going to knock her blond over made up face to the back of her head."

"Good thing Allen isn't here to see this."Dryden sighed.

"Van stop this."Hitomi whimpered, "She's just a princess."

"Ah come on Hitomi I was just-"

Millerna clocked him.He fell to the ground.

"Please."Millerna straightened her hair, and kicked at him. She turned away.

"Ouch.You royal bi-"

Van punched her, "See how you're plastic surgeon likes that. Mrs. Potatohead."

Dryden held back Millerna from clawing his eyes out and Hitomi tried to grab Van's shirt.

"I am marrying a abusive redneck." Millerna growled, wiping the blood off her nose.(Not that kind of nose blood, hentai!)

"I'm marrying a tyrannical bitch with too much makeup." Van massaged his swollen jaw "Are you always this horrible?"

"Yes.You better get used to it, Chicken legs."Millerna mocked him. "Cluck Cluck Cluck." She flapped her arms.

Van tried to contain his rage "I never want to see you again… until the wedding, you bitch."

Millerna laughed coldly "That's fine with me, you little hillbilly.I wouldn't come back to your kingdom for all the gold in Asgard."

"Well fine." Van said.

"Separate honey moons."Millerna threw down her bloody Kleenex at him, and stormed off.

Van nodded his head "Fine," his teeth bared and almost fanglike.He tossed the Kleenex back at her.

Millerna fangs bore.Her voice snarled,"See you in Church!"

"I'll see you there first." Van shook his fist at her

Gaddes shrugged from the background as Millerna stormed past him, "Sometimes arranged marriages work out the best."*

***

Celena trailed off after Millerna, trying to comfort her friend.Imagine being betrothed to Van Fanel.Van was a horrible unruly vile disgusting sexy… Whoops, bad bad bad bad boy.

"Oh Celena.I don't want to marry Van.I want to marry Allen.But I am Princess of Astoria.How can I dare it?How can I put my love above the welfare of my people?As their princess they posess me, body and soul.If I am their princess I must do as they will.How will I survive?"

Celena sighed, "If only someone smart like Folken were around.He could help us."

***

Van looked at Folken's statue

"Oh Folken.I wish you were here to help me.I don't want to marry Millerna.I don't want to be Millerna's bitch.That's Allen's job."He looked at the moon he and his brother looked at so many times.

"And Hitomi." Van sighed.Looking at the starry blackness "Gods I love her. Hitomi looks great naked.Do you know how good she looks naked?I wish I had a shadowgraph?Have you seen her legs?Aw man.If I get married Hitomi will never speak to me again.What do I do onii-wei?"

***

Meanwhile in the land of the dead, It was great weather in Limbo for a beach barbeque.The spirits of the fallen of Zaibach were watching the Dragon Slayers play shirtless volleyball.

It was going to be a good day.Eriya and Narya were sunbathing, or rather since their was no sun. Astral projection of the sun in the nether realm bathing.If it appeared hot enough Narya might go topless.Indeed it was going to be a spectacular day.

Dornkirk was sitting all happy in his deck chair putting his feet up.Of course he was wearing all his old Earth clothes, looking strangely like John Cusack.(Man Isaac Newton was kind of cute) Only Folken sat bundled up on a day like this… even though it really wasn't a day.

"Folken chill out.You have an eternity to be bummed.At least it's nice weather here in Perdition."

"I feel so horrible.How can we sit here in Beach Party Limbo when the world is suffering."

"It's not our business. We're all dead." Young Issac said

Gatti smiled "Yeah.I mean we're just here until all of our Earthly attachments are gone.We can rest."

"Yes.After a life of suffering and battle we deserve a break."Eriya said.

"Man it's hot." Narya said

"Hey everyone.Narya's gonna take off her bikini top." Gatti cried.

Narya glared at the Dragon Slayer."Why you stupid." She pulled out an astral sword and started chasing after him.

"Can't you see John Cussack-looking-Isaac Newton?This is all an illusion.There is nothing that we can do.We are trapped here forever.This is our punishment."

"We've only been here under a decade.Be patient." Zack said."I was alive for 400 years.It can get a lot more tedious. Than fifteen hot boys having a threeway with Cat Girls in Bikinis."

Eriya stretched "Yeah.We got sun, food and 15 to 18 Dragon Slayer Bitches to watch get into compromising and amusing sexual situations." She whistled and three Dragon Slayers were surrounding her. "Aren't my bitches soooooooo cute?"Eriya purred.

"I'd rather be alive than this." Folken sighed.

"Who'd want to be alive?Heart trouble, marriage, slavery, war…."Eriya sipped her asphodel Daquiri."I think Death was the best thing that ever happened to me."

She toasted with Young Good looking Isaac Newton.

"Dornkirk-sama."

"Eri-chan.It's been three years. Call me Zackie."

"God you are so cute."

"Hey who wants to have a chicken race in the lake of fire?"One of the Dragon Slayers shouted.

Zackie smiled, "Dude just as long as it's not Lethe.Man I forgot my whole mysterious origin last time.What's that gravity thing again?"

"I'll explain it all to you Zacky, when we get down to the lake."

Miguel shrugged taking Zacky's chair."You wanna go poke Zongief while he's barbequeing the hot dogs?Hey Zongief!"

Zongief waved the barbeque tongs waving at them.Miguel sighed"Who would have guessed he was such a nice guy?" Miguel smirked obviously smitten by his murderer.

"They aren't real.Nothing is real here.We haven't done anything.This is pathetic."

"Folken, chill out.We're just making the best out of this situation.If you're not happy here in Limbo.TT.Tough toenails.I mean their isn't a cure for death." Miguel sighed.

"I can't sit around here." Folken said.There is nothing for me here.

Miguel put suntan lotion on his long young body."Hey Viole.

"Which one girl or boy?"The two Violes stuck up their head.

"Dah Girl."

"AH man." Male Viole went back to sleep.

"I don't know.You could always appear as a ghost.Scare people when ever someone thinks about you, you can use that to appear as a vision."

Girl Viole smiled. "Heck yeah.Man we scared the crap outta Van."She gave a high five to the male Viole."That's how we got back when Dilandau, well, when he needed us."

"Yeah. You'd make a good ghost.Very creepy Folken."

Then all of a sudden it happened.The weather in Limbo became a little chill.The Zaibachs began to shudder.Pulling in out of the lake of Fire.

"Hi everybody."

"No."The Dragon Slayers ran.

"Oh cripes he's back." 

Chesta squealed.

"Aw man.This is crap." Gatti said taking Narya's bikini top off his head.

"If that guy lays a hand on any of our bitches." Narya growled.She unsheathed her honka big gun.

"Save us, Narya."Her cute little DS Bitches cowered behind her."

"I'll kill him.If he touches you."

"But you can't see that's the beauty part.As long as I'm dead you can't kill me."

In a cloud of evil black evil floated the most insidiously evil character in the series.Shattering evil organ chords played and the thunder crashed.

The Pink Haired Guy.

"Quick to the other side of the Lethe. He'll forget about us if he has to swim."The sexy Zaibach warriors jumped and ran to the other side of the lake (they can defy gravity because they are dead) and landed on the other side.

The Dragon Slayers ran. Miguel fell in a hole and twisted his ankle.*

"Hey Babe.Why don't we-"

"Ewwwww.Narya!Help me."

Folken swooped down on Phantom Wings and picked him up.

"Get lost."Folken growled picking up Miguel.

"Folken.So good to see you again.Is that your prostetic arm or are you happy to see me?"

The Dragon Slayers cowered at the bad pun as Pink Haired Guy glomped Folken

"Eww."Folken backed away. Prying him off like a tire jack.

"Dear me.He's putting the moves on Folken-sama."

Narya covered her eyes."I can't look."

Folken punched PHGand dematerialized away. 

Miguel joined the others on the other side of Lethe, the Lake of Forgetfulness.

"That was close he almost got Miguel."

The Pink Haired Guy jumped up and down unable to get the cute Dragon Slayers.All was just in Perdition.

"You lousy Dragon Slayers.Why don't you like me?"

A chorus of voices broke out.

"You're Ugly."

"You're mean."

"I don't like snakes."

"You're Ugly!"

"You like kinky pain and stuff."

"You're not Dilandau."

"Did we say you're ugly?"

The Pink Haired Guy's lip began to quiver.

"Well fine.I'm leaving.I'm going back to Earth."

"How can you go back?" Folken said.

"There not even sure I'm dead.All that happened was I hit my head on a rock.Soon I'll be back on Earth to flirt and paw all the survivors."

"That is sick."

"And I'll start by making your little brother my bitch."  
"Van?"Folken said.

"Van is sexy.I think I'll dress him in lacy panties first."

The Dragon Slayers hissed the villain.

"Even Van Fanel doesn't deserve that." Gatti lowered his head.*

Chesta wept "Poor Van Fanel.Will the madness ever end?" 

"We must save the world from his Salmon cheveauxed perving loser.We must find someone in the land of the living who can stop him."

"But who?"Chesta asked dramatically, covering his eyes.

***

After putting Millerna and her bottle of scotch to bed Celena had gone to sleep at 10:30 in the evening.

And Dilandau woke up at 12:30 that same night.

"What in the name of fire is going on?Celena.Wake up.Where did you go?"

He hit the side of his head.

"Aw man.She left me in charge again."

"Dilandau-sama we need your help."

In the room were the shades of the Dragon Slayers, all of them.Dressed for a beach barbeque.There voices were in two registers and they echoed like ghosts.

"Wow I was just thinking about having sex with you guys." Dilandau smiled "How are you guys?"

"Dilandau help us."

"Help us." 

Dilandau looked on his bed "Miguel!"The tall slayer lay next to him.

"Help us. There is this ugly stupid repulsive guy hitting on us in Purgatory.He wants to kill Van Fanel."

"Kill Van." The ghosts echoed.

"Kill.Kill Kill Kill"

"WHAT!"Dilandau shrieked "No way."

"He swears it."

"This can't be.I… I…"He shook his head trying to deny the horrid truth.He cried"I CALLED HIM FIRST."

"Now Dilandau."

"Van can't die.He's my numbah one biznatch.Right above you and Folken."

"Dilandau- Really.I'm numbah two?"

"Yeah.Of course Girl Viole is-"

Miguel's ghost shook itself.This was no time to flirt or show the author's favorite Dragon Slayers pairings.Miguel continued in the creepy voice. ***SubliminalDilandauMiguelMiguelDilandau***

"We have to stop him."

"Or I could do it first." Dilandau "That way… Oh what a brilliant plan.Van?" he pulled out a letter opener "Time to die Bitch."

Miguel used his "death powers" and stopped him from cutting off Van's skull.

"He wants to make Van his bitch or something.You must stop him and save Van Fanel."

"What?"Gatti said 

"Yeah.He didn't kill you.You got kidnapped."

"Yeah."

"I was killed by a Doppleganger okay.Now quiet."

"Woose." The voice echoed.

"Loser." The voice echoed.

"Miguel and Zongi sitting in a treeeeeee" the dragon slayers sang all creepy.

"Save Van before it is too late" Miguel said

too late too late too late too late, the voices echoed unenthusiastically.

*****

Van was sleeping as Hitomi brushed her teeth.

"Hellllloooo.Van-sama."

"Hitomi stop it.You sound creepy.I'm tired."

"Oh Vanny."

"What am I? a carwash?"Van pushed the intruder away, 

"Wait Vanny?"

He opened his eyes. To see the most horrifically evil thing he had ever seen.

"PINK HAIRED GUY!"

"You remember me."

"GAAaaaAAAAAAAh.Get off me you evil horny bastard." He screamed like Escaflowne was ripped to shreds

"Hmmm?No."The Pink Haired Demon Glomped him.

"Gahhh.HITOMI!!! Get in here."

"Ooooh.Threesome? Kinky!!"

"Eww Eww Eewww."Van struck him and his hand went through him.

Hitomi listened irritated from the bathroom.Man just when she thought they were through all that bad, apocalyptic visions and panic attacks stuff.Try not to blame Van for going off the deep end.If it wasn't her prophetic skills it was Van's Post Traumatic stress.She held her breath and walked into the other room to help her boyfriend.

"Hitomi.It's the-"

"It's okay Van. I'll always love you and blablah.Here for you."

"Hitomi come in here and save my sorry but."

Van asking for help.This must be the end of the world.The Track star ran in the room.

All Hitomi saw before she went postal was a shock of pink hair.

"MERLE NO HENTAI!!!!!Get off my man!"

She grabbed a plant and threw it at "Merle's" head.

It smashed Van in the forehead, who promptly passed out do to severe head trauma.

"Oopsie.I guess I missed Merle."Hitomi shrugged.But her huntress instincts kicked in and she began pursuit. Leaving her man semi-conscious.

Hitomi ripped the door off it's hinges and thundered down the hall.

"Merle.I'm going to kill you!"

Hitomi broke into the cat girl's room as she slept dreaming about Nsync and tuna flavored dentabites. She ripped out her nostril hairs.

"OWWWWW."

"You don't mess with my Van."

"Hey it wasn't me!Honest.I swear.It's only Platonic."Hitomi lifted her up over her head. "Plllllaaaaaatoooooonnnic"Hitomi used her track abilities and shot putt the cat all the way to Freid where she and Prince Chid had a sweet waffy poem fic and shared first kisses.

But that's another more appropriate less skeezy story.

TBC


End file.
